It has been quiet from my end for a while. I did not mean for it to be, but once a day starts pouring past you, there is rarely a moment to pick up the pen. I know there are people who, when things go silent here, quietly worry about how we are doing. I am grateful for that, and so, late as it is, I have sat down again to write.
A few nights ago there was blood in the urine, and we rushed to the emergency room. We spent the whole night flushing the bladder, staying up until morning. It seems to be a combination of the blood-thinning medication used for a long time and the radiation therapy received just before. They said it is hard to point to any single thing as the cause. That is how the body is. Soothe one side and another starts to creak; tend to that, and the first spot begins to wobble again.
What weighs on me most is when medication is changed. We decided to stop the blood-clot prevention drug used ever since the surgery and switch to a different anticoagulant, and at moments like this I always brace myself. I tell myself that one change of medicine surely cannot cause much trouble, and yet I have already learned, more than once, that something unexpected can slip in through that gap. So I prepare in advance, so that whatever comes, I will not be caught off guard.
The truth is, when you are keeping watch at someone's side, even the smallest change makes your heart drop. Urine that is a slightly different color, a more worn expression than usual, a day when they eat less. Each of those signals piles up in your mind, and before you know it your eyes grow sharp, unwilling to miss even a faint sign. It is tiring, but perhaps this too is how we endure together right now.
Even so, once we get over a hurdle like this, we find ourselves laughing at the smallest things. A silly joke shared beside an emergency room bed, the brief moment of watching the dawn break through the window together. Because we know this is time with an end already set, today stands out all the more clearly. Next time I will come back more often, with lighter news.
What I have written here is only one person's experience, so if you are changing a medication or notice a new symptom, please be sure to consult your attending medical team first.